This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.