If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.