depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Introverted vegans go meetless
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff