Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
*puts my mental health in rice
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex