I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
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I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Happy Taco Tuesday
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.