[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Happy thanksgiving
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.