i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Just a reminder, folks:
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.