The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?