If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”