8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Oh hi lol
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
scenes of unspeakable carnage