When a shoelace touches your ankle
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(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.