Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
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[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Facebook memories be like
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
i would wish you the best but i am the best