I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.