The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
May never get over this
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.