I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
When they try to steal your moment.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
This could be us but you eatin’
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.