[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that