My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all