What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
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Still my favourite meme.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.