Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
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“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture