Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
my professor scared me for a second
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: