DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
i love meeting boys on tinder
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?