Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”