If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
getting old is fun
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say