Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
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If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime