Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
when someone compliments me
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
This is my bus stop.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.