Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
They got a point!
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.