Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I feel attacked.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.