I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Pat is about to own someone
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.