[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.