Why do meteors always land in craters?
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.