me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
You Might Also Like
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls