A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face