“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
O Wise One….
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Did I do this right
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again