Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I was bored.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean