My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.