When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Can Happiness buy money?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!