[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi