Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed