I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Always the camel, never the toe.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!