most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.