Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
decorating my apartment
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels