When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.