For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”