Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
You Might Also Like
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.