do u think theres a butter planet?
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Love this one 😂🧟
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.