*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.