Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
😩😩😩
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
How to wake up a Beagle
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something