When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Mistakes were made
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.