Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
This trial is so absurd 😭
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If you need a laugh.. 😅
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.