My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.